Living grace in marriage. (Part 2)

Cold and wet Payson, Arizona

Several years ago, I did something that put my marriage, family and other significant relationships in jeopardy.  It was clearly something that would require Linda, my children and many others to “treat me better than I deserved”   (definition of grace).  Not everyone was gracious, but thankfully it didn’t take long for Linda (and our children) to live out grace to me, and treat me in ways that were far better than I deserved.  They understood what was at stake. 

Two words are essential ingredients to living grace in marriage or any other significant relationship.  One is very familiar, the other not as much.  Forgiveness and forbearance.  These two words, free wives and husbands, to keep their covenant of love and put action into grace.

Forgiveness we seem to understand fairly well.  Whatever offense we have done to the other, they choose to not hold against us.  They let us off the hook, so to speak.  They have other options; make us pay, never let us forget what we did, get even, but they choose to let it go.  That is forgiveness and it is grace.  One definition of forgiveness is “the end of blame”.  The offense and the hurt was real but we choose to not hold that offense against the other person.  We grace them with our forgiveness.

No marriage can survive, let alone thrive, apart from great helpings of forgiveness.

But what about forbearance?  The dictionary defines it this way: abstaining from the enforcement of a right.  Abandonment, giving up, sacrifice, self-denial are all synonyms of this very important grace word.  To forbear is to put up with, to ignore,  to not demand your right.  When I am forbearing I am choosing to let some things go I might want to make into an issue.

For example: your spouse does not see things that need doing.  You can choose to point them out until they get it or you can forbear.  You can choose to let it go and do it yourself.  Your spouse consistently leaves the lights on, or allows the children to do things you think they should not do.  Do you push your will or even your “right” to get what you want or do you forbear, abandon your wishes, or even your rights, in order to extend grace?

Along the way in any marriage, the person we first fell in love with and the person who “could do no wrong,” we discover can be annoying.  They don’t do things like we do. Forbearance is what gives us the grace to let some annoying things go.

In the words of Jesus, contained in what we call the Sermon on the Mount, He outlines the way Kingdom people relate to others with forgiveness and forbearance.  Luke 6 contains these strong words that don’t cease to be important just because we are married: If you are willing to listen, I say to you: Love your enemies. Do good to those who hate you. Pray for the happiness of those who curse you. Pray for those who hurt you… Do for others as you would like them to do for you. 

This is cutting edge relational, Kingdom teaching.  These words, when placed in the context of living grace in a marriage, teach us how to forgive and forbear.  The words are strong, but make the application of these words of Jesus to your relationships, and you will get the point.

Grace that forgives allows us to leave the baggage of past offenses behind.  It does not make light of how someone has hurt you or neglected you.  It is a choice to let yourself off the hook as much as the other so that you can move  into wholeness and freedom.

Grace that forbears is a decision to not make a big deal out of something that you might be free to make a big deal out of.  It is sacrificing what we could do for what we should do. 

Grace, treating the other better than they deserve by forgiving and forbearing, and guess what? That kind of grace is the environment that actually produces the change in our spouse that we seek.

More on that next time.

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